suzie

hindi ko na kaya. i just had to open my old tabulas account para lang may makausap ako at mailabas ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin at nararamdaman. naiinis ako. nagagalit ako. naiiyak ako. fuck this life. tangina lang. tangina mo din. nauso pa ang pangalan mong hindi naman bagay sayo. para kang tuko na kung makakapit ay parang kuto na hindi basta basta matatanggal. tangina lang talaga.

hindi na naubos ang luha ko. hindi na kinakaya ng puso ko. mas nasasaktan akong nakikita kang nagkakaganyan. mas sampal sa buong pagkatao ko na mas iniisip mo pa siya kaysa sa akin. fuck. ako ang pinili mo pero di mo siya makalimutan? ano un? edi sana hindi na lang ako ang pinili mo in the first place.

oo, alam ko. nung pinili mo ko decided ka na na hindi mo na siya talaga minahal. naging kayo, lagi kang umiiyak sa kanya. sex na lang ang nakakapagpa-stay sa relasyon niyo. naghiwalay kayo. nagkabalikan. at naghiwalay. at nagkabalikan ulit. at finally, iniwan mo na siya for good. at heto, ako naman si gago. lumapit sayo hoping na may pag-asa ako. hindi na ko nagsasalita. sinabi ko na lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. heto ka at lumapit. niyakap mo ko at sinabi mong na-mimiss mo ko.

nagpaka-tanga na naman ako. hindi ko naman naisip na maaaring magkabalikan na naman kayo dahil ganun naman ang nangyayari. isa akong malaking rebound. kahit na sabihin mong hindi ako rebound dahil ako ang mahal mo, fuck. hindi ko na maisip kung ano ang dapat na itawag sakin. kung hindi rebound, isang malaking tanga.

halos 2 buwan na naging tayo na hindi. natatakot akong itanong sayo na kung gusto mong gawing official. dahil alam kong naguguluhan ka. nalilito ka. at gusto mong makasiguradong ako nga ba talaga ang pinili mo. hinayaan lang kita. ako na ang naghintay sayo na ikaw mismo ang magsasabing kung pwedeng tayo na.

and I was patient enough to wait.

heto, at naging tayo. masaya. enjoy. at masarap. ang saya lang ng mga panahong excited kang makita ako. excited kang mareceive ang mga text ko. at gustong gusto mong tumatawag ako sayo. pero ano nangyari? nakipagkita ka sa ex mo ng hindi ko alam.

sinabi mo sakin na pumayag kang makipagkita sa kanya para itama lahat ng pagkakamali at para tapusin na ang lahat. ano ang nangyari? nafeel mong nagbago na siya. na ok lang sa kanya na maging kabit. at naguguilty ka kasi nakakasakit ka ng tao. eh anong tawag mo sakin? hindi mo ba ko sinasaktan? at eto pa, nakuha mo pang makipagsex sa kanya. tangina lang. isa akong malaking gago. nagthank you naman ako dahil naging honest ka. pero pinatawad na kita. at hinihingi mo ngayon sa akin na sana wala na lang para wala kang masasaktan? FUCK. eh ang ibig sabihin lang nun eh mas iniisip mo ang kapakanan niya kaysa sa kin. Shit.

ilang beses na tayong nagusap na wag mo na siyang kausapin. ientertain. o replyan ang mga text. at alam kong kahit ilang beses kong sabihin sayo na wag mo un gawin, ginagawa mo pa rin. gusto mo ng freedom? hala sige, bahala ka. may magagawa ba ako na pigilan ka? eh ni hindi ko nga alam baka nakikipagkita ka pa ulit dun para makipag-sex ng hindi ko alam. malay ko ba!

darating naman ang isang gabi na magddrama ka at iiyak dahil sasabihin mo sakin na hindi ka masaya. na mas pinapasaya ka nung ex mo. na sinasabi mong ayaw mong magcompare. eh takte, lahat ng ginagawa niya, ginagawa ko rin naman. todo effort ako. todo hintay. todo lahat. mas pinapasaya ka nya?

SINO BA TALAGA ANG MAHAL MO?

tapos tatanungin mo kung kaya kitang iwan? layuan? tapos siya hindi pwede? kung makapagselos ka sa mga babaeng nakakausap ko, todo todo tapos ako hindi pwedeng magselos? tapos kapag gagawa ako ng paraan para hindi ka niya maagaw sakin sasabihin mong kinukuha ko sayo ang freedom mo at ayaw mong kausapin ko siya? FUCK.

Galit na Galit ako. Punong puno na ako. Mahal mo pa ba ako? Martyr na ko kung Martyr.

Ngayon, hiniling mo sakin na gusto mo mapag-isa. Sige, mag-isip ka muna. Isipin mo mung kung ano ba talaga ang gusto mo. Kung sino ba talaga ang mahal mo. Kung babalik ka sakin, hindi na kita papakawalan. hindi na kita hahayaang maagaw ng iba. Yun eh kung bumalik ka pa nga.

Sa journal na ito, galit na galit ako. may mga bagay na hindi siguro accurate. may mga bagay siguro na over the line na ko. pero tangina, oo galit na galit ako.

Masyado lang kitang minahal. at Mahal na Mahal pa rin kita.

Pero tanggap ko ang lahat ng ito. Wala ng iba pang makakadagdag ng sakit.

Maghihintay ako.

suzie

Had a chance to shoot a couple for their prenuptial at Forbes Park. Ms Leia offered me this for they want to have unlimited shots and at the same time, I get to practice. Thank you Martin Frias for being my assistant for the shoot. Lesson learned, get another assistant and never ever try to touch a broken safety glass! haha! (one of my halogen light's glass was broken). And of course, the ever reliable tracing paper that stand far more superior than a safety glass.

C&Cs appreciated. 

(to see the rest of the photos please follow this link. I haven't update the design of my site so photos would most likely to clutter)

suzie

I had a very slow start Monday. My head ached again for the longest time. I remember the last time I had this kind of headache was in High School. After I got to school, I immediately went to the clinic. I never had the time to pass by my room to tell my prof - the pain was unbearable.

The nurse in the clinic was the worst ever. She insistedly asked me thousands of questions repeatedly (I answered them all also repeatedly). It was for a good 45 minutes of interrogation before she could entertain me with some Biogesic and a glass of water. But before that, I had to vomit my breakfast meal in the nearby comfort room (I do regret that I should have vomitted infront of her).

I took the day off. Slept for a good 2 hours in the clinic but still the pain's not getting any better. I called up my mom to ask if she could fetch me. Surprisingly, she did.

She took me to the hospital and had me for a checkup. The doctor asked me a few questions and that's it. He gave me a prescription of Dolcet which cost a freaking 51 bucks per tablet. Well I didn't mind the price of a "powerful painkiller" as the nurse said but what kind of checkup was that? He just asked me a few questions and that's it? Suspicious little doctor. Tsk3.

Oh well, that drug did give me a good 12hours of sleep.

MOOD: Dizzy.

suzie

Hello Tabulas, it has been a while! I've been choosing a good blogging site for 2 days now and I already have an account on most of them. There is a particular site that provides me everything that I need but it does not let me customize the theme and there is another which is just on the average but it lacks something that I want. Now, what do I want really? Thinking back, I own a Tabulas account and I had 3 indifferent accounts of some sort in which I do not remember now - well, at least I got my own nick to be my username, cool.

I do have a lot of site going on and on and on. But I hope this could be the last and definitely the official one.

I love Roy (who doesn't?). He is but a single person who runs a heavy trafficked blogging site. I know coding and stuff because of my first course. Well, ain't it just too damn hassle and tiring, yeah? 99x Thumbs Up for you! 

On a side note, Let me advertise my photography shots with this site.

This is Diane. My personal Make-Up Artist, Model and a very very true friend of mine. We love to do collaborative works and along with the Impromptu Productions team, she would be definitely the second in command. She is amazing and she is the ever flawless!

Model/MUA: Diane Rosales

PS. Join our ongoing year project FACES. We shoot and print for free!

Faces is a collaborative project to search and document all types of Faces from all walks of life here in the Philippines

MOOD: cranky